Hurt by Church? Me too. Let’s Chat.

My turn first.

It’s true. I have been hurt by church – even hurt by a church whose stated purpose is to provide a safe place to connect to God for those who have been hurt by church. A trifle ironic, you might say, and you’d be right.

However, I’m not here to drag the leadership of this church through the mud. There will be no character assassination attempts, no ranting or railing against the injustice of it all. In fact, there will be a shocking deficit of details about my experience.

What I want most to express is this: I am glad it happened.

No, you didn’t misread. I have a genuine, heartfelt, sincere sense of glee and relish because I have been  hurt by church. Sorry if that isn’t what you expected to hear. Yet bear with me and hear me out…

I admit I wasn’t always glad about it. To the contrary, there were years in which I was downright bitter about the thing. I was in pain. I was angry. I licked my wounds and sulked. I threw a huge pity party and invited me, myself, and I, and we sat around and placated one another’s tender little ol’ feelings.

Basically, I hopped on the crazy train without even looking at the itinerary first. And I have to say I didn’t really like where it left me when the time came to disembark.

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11

Yeah, there I was, alone and lacking the proper attire in a wasteland echoing with the sounds of my  sniveling self-pity with naught to eat but the acrid fruit of my own sharp tongue.

“Today also my complaint is bitter; my hand is heavy on account of my groaning.
Job 23:2

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
Proverbs 18:21

Not fun. Still, I am truthfully glad it happened. Not because it hurt, but because God uses all things – pain and pleasure alike – to shape His people for eternity. Maybe especially pain.

The thing is, God did not leave me to whine forever in that wasteland. Oh He let me endure it for a bit. Gave me my head, saw how far I would run astray from the Master I love. He allowed me the natural consequences of my sullen response to pain.

But He didn’t leave me because the wasteland was nothing more than a pit stop down the broad path which leads to destruction. And destruction was something I was embracing while I nursed my hurts as if they were dear, beloved friends.

Meanwhile, I was allowing something foolish like hurt feelings to build walls between me and my actual dear, beloved friends.

The stupid part is, I knew better.

In the logical part of my brain, I knew the decision which wounded me was made at a time when we were all worn thin, church leadership and laymen alike.

It was a difficult season in our church’s history, and each one of us was exerting an enormous amount of energy just to keep our heads above water and make each Sunday happen. And I also knew the decision had not been made as a personal slight.

I knew that. Yet for some reason, my pride still felt a sting and I allowed it grow. And fester.

But my Father is good. He knows when I have had enough of my own way, and He is faithful to bring me back to the narrow path by His side. And to be honest, that part hurt, too.

… He disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:10-11

My God disciplined me for my own good, so I can share in something better than approval from man, or praise, or whatever it was I felt robbed of at the time. I can share in His holiness. 

Wow. Seriously, wow.

But I have to tell you, the discipline part hurt. Maybe even more than the original wound.

Because of my bitterness, I was forced to take an honest look at myself. I was compelled to assess the situation, what I knew to be true about it, and continue in God’s word.

Then once I had reconciled reality with my faulty perception, it was time to slay the monster. But it wouldn’t die.

Each time I believed it dead and moved on, the vile thing would pop its ugly head back up in a new location. Despite my best efforts at extraction, a root of bitterness coiled around my heart and continued to send new shoots piercing through my words at most inconvenient times.

It was humbling. It was horrible. And frankly, as a woman who spends so much time with her Father in His Word and in conversation throughout the days, it was embarrassing.

But it was also good.

You see, God used that one event, that one perceived slight to show me something I had overlooked. He used it to expose my selfish tendencies, my desire for approval, my propensity to “accidentally” allow my left hand a peek or two at what my right hand was doing.

He used it to expose my pride. My tendency to harbor bitterness. My inflated self-importance. And more.

But in exposing these things, He also began a long and painful work of removing them. And He prompted me to do something I can hope will be the proverbial stake through the monster’s heart.

He prompted me to confess my bitterness to two friends who in some ways represent the church I write of because they are the pastor and his wife. But as I said before, they are also my friends. And I confessed to them the bitterness I wanted gone from my life,  knowing they would accept my confession and pray for me.

It was humbling, sure, but it was also liberating. By confessing, the ugly monster no longer lurked in the depths of my heart but was brought out into the sunshine where it can wither and die. May this be the final nail in its coffin.

And so, in being hurt by church, I was able to discover and address my own junk.

There is no church on earth where people will not, from time to time, hurt one another. We are all selfish at heart. We can all be thoughtless. We respond to one another out of fatigue or pain or a myriad of other problems. And not a single one of us can read the minds and hearts of others, and so we never know if what we say or do might inflict some unintentional wound.

But my friends, that’s the inherent beauty in the church. It’s called sanctification, and it means dealing both with our own hideous monsters and with the hideous monsters of others. It’s how we learn to confess, to forgive, to grow in Christ. To become more like Him in His holiness and humility.

I am thankful for friends I can confess my sin to who will listen and hear my heart then pray for me. And I pray the stupid rift caused by bitterness will truly be healed.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.
James 5:16a

And I’m even more thankful for a God who loves me enough to show me the nasty bits breeding beneath the surface of my soul, then rip them out before they squeeze the life from my heart and relationships.

So what has God wrought in you through times of being hurt, by church or otherwise?

25 thoughts on “Hurt by Church? Me too. Let’s Chat.

  1. It took me a while to expect fellow church members to act like people. I kept hoping they would be saintly all the time.😊 I think that the ability to set aside those hurts and slights and see the shared heart for the Lord underneath is what keeps a church going.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Heather, I so appreciate this post. For myself. For others. It seems church is ever in a world of hurt. You have helped me to see that it is personal, as in “I’m the one who makes every interaction that scrapes the scab off my wound,” personal. Pride keeps me from smiling every time something “bumps” into my “soft spot/hurt spot.” Thank you for helping me. Thank you for helping me now help others each take a peek into the Hurt Mirror. It is true we have high expectation for our church, and we’re surprised every time it misses the mark. Thank you for helping me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Great, transparent post. I wrote briefly about a period of hurt in my article Dealing With Rejection. It was just one of those things that, looking back, was not really anyone’s “fault”, but it broke me down. It was hard for a while but God brought me through and I’m better for it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love how He does that in us! I will check out your post, too. It can be unpleasant, but God definitely used it in my life to prune away some junk I needed to see and let go of. Thanks for sharing your post with me!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Heather, thank you. I am smarting under the sting of the church’s lack of reaching out to me but this article helped me when you mentioned sanctification and others dealing with their own struggles. I’ve been nursing these wounds for too long…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hear you! I did that for a very long time. It’s so much easier for me, personally, to feel outrage or hurt. God is showing me more and more how not to take things so personally. I’m a slow learner, I fear. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Heather, I appreciate your adding this link to your other post. I had missed this one in April.
    I think it would be unusual to find someone who has not been hurt by the imperfect relationships in churches everywhere
    I agree that everything is God’s means of humbling us, bringing us to depend on Him only, and especially for our santification.
    You are blessed to understand its meaning and why these things in our lives are necessary.
    We can praise the Lord together as He continues to bring us through our paths, our paces and our pain. May we love Him as the Father who disciplines His children unto holiness.
    Much love and blessings as you continue to grow in grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Frances. I know life is busy and it means a lot that you continue to comment. I’m struggling to keep my head above water here with the three teenagers and all that entails. Yet each time there is a hardship or a difficulty, I feel our Lord’s presence and hear His voice in it. He continues to humble me and I am always compelled what He has already done in my life. He is so, so good. We can certainly praise Him together, through trial and triumph and every step in between!
      May the grace and peace or our Lord be with you! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Whenever you can read The Sovereignty of God, you will rejoice that he has planned for you in HIs kingdom. When you have time, meditate on 2 Samuael 23:5. This verse was a turning point in my life, given at just the right ime for me to trust Him with everything, time , relationships, His will, adversity, sickness, sorrow ~ everything. I began to look at things from David’s view. Blessings as He continues to conform us to His image.

        Liked by 1 person

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