After a few failed attempts launching my dream career (and due to our tottering economy), I’ve recently reentered the job market. To say it’s humbling to try and start over at my age is to understate the matter rather awfully. And although I’ve wasted both time & money obtained training and credentialling in hopes of making myself more marketable, I’ve had a front-row seat to the frustrating, time-consuming chaos that is the modern job market. So, just for fun and with a couple of tweaks from my 22-year-old (who has graduated with a bachelor’s in cell & molecular biology and enjoys student loan debt without the perks of finding employers who will disdain to hire the holder of a mere bachelor’s degree), I’ve created a tongue-in-cheek mock career site posting not dissimilar from the hundreds we two have collectively applied to (and subsequently been ghosted by).

All in good fun. 🙂 Enjoy.

Generic Modern Job Posting – Entry Level

Jo-Bob’s Stuff & Such is looking to add an Administrative Assistant to our team! We make stuff and such, and we pride ourselves on the stuffiness of the stuff we create. We’re looking for a top-notch administrator with an IQ of 278 or higher to do menial work around the office, type a few things, and answer our phones. Our ideal candidate will have scintillating good looks, proven fluency in a minimum of three languages, be conversant on the finer points of 12^th century Russian poetry, and possess enough student loan debt to be decidedly desperate.

Qualifications:

• Master’s degree (required)
• Proficiency in Microsoft Office, Google Suite, data analytics, and Python
• Intimate understanding of quantum computing
• Excellent trilingual written and verbal communication skills
• Ability to build your own functional communications device using paper clips, gum from the sidewalk outside, and heat distilled from the crushing weight of your own disillusionment
• Exceptional time management skills
• High-quality telephone etiquette
• PhD in any field (preferred)*
• Minimum of one decade experience in a clinical or executive office
• Must be under the age of 40!

Why join our team:

• Voted “Best Place to Work” by people we asked to vote for us
• Flexible work environment: you can sit or stand at your desk
• We pay nearly as much as a grocery store cashier
• No nights or weekends (usually)
• Tuition reimbursement (for qualified individuals)
• We’ll put the word insurance here to give you hope
• Retirement? Not in this economy. Nice try, though.
• We’ll most likely replace you with an AI chatbot, but go ahead and submit your resume anyway
• An AI chatbot wrote this posting and is handling all hiring and inquiries

*You won’t be hired without it.